The Beauty of Pain

When life is so good to you, beware of what will happen next.

 

I saw this warning on social media, and I knew for sure, it is true. But in my case, I always challenge life of what it can throw to me. When my life is so good, I’m not waiting for what will happen next, instead, I ask God to throw challenges in my life for me to be stronger. So I did, I asked Him, and He threw the biggest challenge and pain I ever experienced. *I still thank You, G! Though it still hurts!*

 

For the past month, when people see me, I always receive the “You look thin, Ara” or “What happened to you?” or “You look sad and depressed, why?”. From those moments, I finally accepted, I am in pain, I am hurt, I am depressed, I am becoming less and less of the woman I wanted to be.

That started when I asked God, Lord, I am very happy, everything is in the right place, but I wanted to be stronger, can you send me the pain which I can’t handle?”. Then my boyfriend and I broke up.

I can never express in words how painful it was, to finally broke up with your love, with the one you used to pray, the answered prayer in your life, the one God lead me to, my human diary, and to the one who I saw my future with. I felt like my whole being as a woman collapsed. I never imagine that I can cry every morning, every evening, and cry myself to sleep for three weeks. Within that three weeks, there was never a day I didn’t cry, I didn’t question God of

Why did you let him in my life if you are going to take him away from me?”

Why did you lead me to him if he’s not the one?

You knew I am reserved, you knew how much prayer I say to You, when he started courting me, You witness how eager am I to discern, to pray and you told me that “Yes, my daughter, he claimed you to me, and be brave to fall in love.” and I did, but why is this happening?”

Days, nights, and working days when I stopped working and think about us, tears started falling, those days has passed, and nothing I felt but sadness, loneliness. For the first time I felt I am alone, I am tired, I don;t want to live in this cruel world of pain anymore.

A week after the we broke up, I tried diverting my attention in travelling, but during my travel, once I stopped a moment, all I can think was him, him alone and the pain goes back. But I keep on cheering up myself that I can be happy again, so I tried my very best to be happy in my travel trip. I thought I was over him, but no. The moment I got home, I started to cry again in my sleep.

The second week after we broke up, I didn’t eat my dinner for a week, I have no appetite to eat my breakfast, I just need to eat my lunch so I can still live. I tried hanging out with friends, but all I can hear from them is “You look very sad. Did you cry?

The third week, I keep on asking myself, “Where did I go wrong?

The feeling of emptiness is not a joke, I cried, I tried to ask for help in my friends but I also felt I am building a barrier from them. I wanted someone to be there for me, but I also wanted to be all myself. I wanted to conquer this pain, with God.

 

The most painful truth is, we still love each other. But it is against all odds. I think, we did not fall out of love, but we fall out of commitment. Why, Am I not the kind of woman a man should commit with?

Sometime during my work, a question pops up in my head,

Am I ugly? If I am a pretty lady, will he stay? Will he still commit?

Am I too demanding? If I was a low maintenance girlfriend, will he stay? Will he commit?

Am I not lovable already?

Am I not the charming one who I used to be?

Did I stressed myself too much that I didn’t have the glowing face anymore?

Is this why he can’t commit to me anymore?

AM I NOT WORTHY?

AM I NOT THE IDEAL WOMAN?

AM I NOT ENOUGH?

 

BUT WHY??

 

God,

What is the lesson you wanted me to learn? I have given you all, all of my prayers just for me to have the right decision, you answered me with very clear messages, but why is the outcome is not like what you have answered me?

God, I prayed for a heart that never stops in loving people, but here am I now, tired of loving, but never wanted to stop in loving. I still feel like my heart is fueled with love and I can still give more love to one who broke it. But no, I don’t want to love him anymore, not with these broken pieces of my heart. He is too good for me to love him with broken pieces, so heal me God.

That man, I still wanted to pray for him, he is a beautiful man, a respectful man, and I knew him for years, he won’t do anything that would intentionally hurt me. I knew it wasn’t his intention. I knew how much he loved me back then. I can’t get angry with him, and when he comes back, I still wanted him in my life.

But God, help me. Help me to conquer this pain, mend my broken soul and heart. Make me able to love again and again, with a whole heart.

Those WHYs and WHAT IFs, I knew you wanted me to learn something from this pain.

Maybe, you put him in my life to be a blessing, and you took him away to be a lesson.

But whatever that lesson is, I thank you for a lesson with such a beautiful experience.

We laughed, we loved, we prayed, we fought, we eat, we walk, we giggle, we did a lot of things together, and that is something I would cherish, forever. This is the beauty of pain I learned. In this pain, we learn to accept and cherish good memories.

 

Thank you, for such a wonderful experience.

If my heart is capable of loving this much despite of pain, I am excited of how much I can love the right person for me. But for now, help me prepare myself to be a better woman/daughter of You.

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