Social Media Detox!

Facebook, Twitter and Instagram …

All the people I know, they have at least one of these sites, and from the moment they started creating their own account, I knew, just like me, they’re world just revolved in social media.

When I created my facebook account, it was good, it used to be my stress-reliever after high school class, I enjoy its games (Pet Society, Farmville and others), and I like how I can just scroll and know the news about my friends.

Then there comes the time when tons of friend requests was sent and received, news feed was loaded with posts of my facebook friends who I don’t know. My friends at facebook are around 1,800 and more. And I think almost half of it are the friends I really know in real life.

And now, everything in facebook became toxic. How? I’ll enumerate the things I saw in facebook that made me want to deactivate it.

  1. Fake news – I am tired of reading every fake and exaggerated news in Facebook, and what makes me more sad is that people are sharing it and reacts with it as if no one could read their thoughts. For example, last week, I plan on heading to SM that afternoon, until I saw this news of someone got killed at SM with a picture of someone lying in the floor. I was really scared that time because I believed in it. Later did I know, the picture was just a beggar, lying at SM parking. You don’t really know what to believe in Facebook.
  2. Discrimination & Insult– I just can’t believe how people find mistakes in others and just make fun of it. ALWAYS. I have this one incident, a high school girl just posted something with a wrong spelling or wrong grammar, and the shares of that post blasted into hundred thousand. If I were the high school girl, I think I would just deactivate or even delete (if possible) my facebook account, and forever will be vanished to the social media world. I also felt sad when I saw a post of “*tag a friend*, she is looking for you.” inserted a picture of a very thin girl because of a disease. The girl is currently struggling due to the disease, and what more could she feel when she see the picture. And I can read the comments “yuck.” “eeew”, the girl doesn’t deserve any of these.
  3. Anxiety and Depression – Have you ever scroll on your facebook newsfeed and see your friends travelling everywhere in the country? or in the world? How does it feel? Do you have same sentiments as mine like, “Oh, they’re enjoying their lives out there and here am I, stuck in the four corners of our office.”, and suddenly, you’re depressed. You feel like your life is such a boring piece, and there’s nothing interesting about it. You’ll start asking yourself, why your life is like that? YOu work and work and work, just work. What did your facebook friends do to deserve that kind of life? Also, have you ever followed some sexy idols in facebook wishing your body was also like that, it is when the insecurity occurs. Facebook has made a standard for all, you should be like this, like that, and when when you are not like that or this, you are not accepted by the society. And it hurts.
  4. Heartbreak – Oh yes, this is also one of the reasons, but not my major reason. I’ve been out the facebook because I can’t take it stalking may past love of my life. haha. I unfollowed him, unfriend, but still I stalk him. And it’s all useless. So I decided to finally deactivate my account.
  5. Unproductive life – So, the company I’ve been working for is not that strict and they allow social media sites in our computers, and when I start to log in, I found myself being unproductive all day. All I did was to scroll and scroll and scroll, and then out. And I started having the social media detox, I really found myself productive, no work pending.

 

I’ve been off the social media for a week, and all I get was just a peace of mind. And it’s all worth it. I start appreciating everything in this world instead of everything in the virtual world. And also because of it, I think I had more time for myself now, I am not the usual girl waiting for new news in facebook, waiting for notifications, and thinking that my life is just a boring piece. I like how quiet my life is now.

And yes, I also like how you guys (bloggers) and new friends here at wordpress made me feel. There are no rants in your blogs, and you see the beauty in life, I love how positive you are in travelling and blogging, and your perspective in life. I love how a simple day came out to be a happy day for you. I love how you think and, I really love reading your blogs!

Let’s have more sharing of thoughts here, friends! I’d love to know you all. 😀

 

PS: I activated by FB Account, but limited the use of it and uninstalled it in on my phone. It’s good.

 

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Everything, Everything

“You jump off cliffs even though you can’t swim”

Oh. That hit me.

My office mate referred this movie to me because she saw me in the movie. And I was curious of why she saw me in? I was never an actress. haha. But I already had the hint since I watched the trailer months ago.

The girl in the movie, Maddy, is sick, her immune system is too weak for the world outside. So she was just locked up in their house with everything sterilized. She never had a life outside the house for 15 years. And for me, it sucks.

So, how I found myself related to the movie as well?

Same as Maddy, I was not allowed to travel much, to do other and extreme activities, because I have a Scoliosis with a 47 degree curve. My doctor says I am a candidate for an operation, but I don’t want, and there’s another option, to wear a hard brace. Wearing hard brace made me quit my job, and almost quit life (life as in the enjoyment of life).

But like Maddy, I wanted to know what is to live life, to know that we are alive.

I quit the bracing and therapy, I just wanted to enjoy life. But, I still do the exercise taught me in therapy for less pain.

 

I found a job, just 20 minutes away from our house, very convenient for my back. I start travelling again, and live my life.

 

Just like Maddy, we don’t know what life is until we have the courage to know it.

One scene I  liked in Everything, Everything is when Maddy jump off the cliff without knowing how to swim. And I was like, “OMG! I already did that, but, I drowned. haha”

 

 

Yes, I drowned for 5 seconds I think? I jumped in a waterfalls, and unlike sea water, waterfalls are different, they are not even salt water for me to float. And most epic was, our tour guide didn’t even know I don’t know how to swim. hahaha.

 

But, I managed, I am alive and here I am blogging to you my experiences.

So Maddy, thank you, I somehow felt that I am not alone, we all need courage in life to know what it is to be alive.

 

21 THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR BEFORE I TURN 22

In two days, I’m turning 22! Horay!!!

22 years old is actually my dream age. I feel like I can do all the things I can and want. I am really excited of what life will bring me, or where would life will lead me.

My previous birthday has been days of expectations, and yes, I still expect this birthday to be a memorable one, not until a man told me, “Just be thankful for the years of your existence. Appreciate what you have.” And then from that day on, I never expected any surprise from any people in my life.

So today, I decided to list 21 things I am thankful for!

 

21 THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR BEFORE I TURN 22.

 

LIFE

Who would not be thankful for the gift of life? Life has thought me so many things, how to deal with ups and downs, how to trust, love and so many more. I thank God for being alive, I could experience more and more. Life is so wonderful! ❤

FAMILY

My family may not be perfect, but, who has a perfect family either? But I am very thankful for having them by my side to support and love me in every way they can.

WORK

The gift of work of course, I am very thankful for it. I may not be on the top of my career right now, but who cares? I am still young, and I am girl with so many dreams, it is not yet too late to pursue all of it.

DREAMS

Yes, as I said, I have so many dreams, and I am thankful for these dreams because they are the ones who kept me motivated in life. I love to dream so as much as to explore.

TRAVEL

Yes of course, I thank for the gift of travel, I am really blessed that at my young age, I had the chance to travel, to know and understand other provinces’ culture and beliefs. I’m 21 and traveled 21 provinces, I am really looking forward for more now that I am turning 22!

SERVICE

The gift of service, in which I am so much thankful of. Service gives purpose to my life, seeing kids, and youth being encouraged, and sharing God’s words to others is really my passion. I am glad to spend my 21st birthday in a mission trip, and there’s nothing I can wish for. Serving God is where I think I excel the most, expanding my love not only for the kids but as well for other people.

MISSION

This year, I’ve been to Mindoro twice, and to Cebu. And I love the feeling of going beyond our borders to spread God’s word. But there is still a mission or calling perhaps, I still need to pray for, indeed this is a bigger calling but I also believe that this calling could bring me so much joy and content in my life. *If you are one of our core reading this, yes, I am still praying for that calling, you know what it is.*

PARTNER

Yeeeees!!! I have my service partner this year, and he’s is so MAKULIT. Nevertheless, I am so much thankful for him for being by my side when it comes to funky missions, he is one reliable friend!

BOYFRIEND

I may not be in a relationship now, but hey, I’ve been in a relationship while I’m 21. And I thank God for that relationship. I learned so many things from him, and I believe God sent him to me to learn new things, and I did. I learned to love in the capacity I didn’t even imagine! I never thought my heart was capable of loving that much, and even it ended up with a break up, I am still willing to love another chance, dahil, MASARAP MAGMAHAL. 😀

RESPONSIBILITIES

You might want to ask, “Who wants the gift of responsibility?”, Yes, its me! I never thought that God would be so generous to me that by the age of 21, I could help my parents send my brother to college. And my brother is now 20 years old. I am proud, that at my young age, I am able to help my parents. This is a responsibility that I love.

FRIENDS

I thank my low-key and high maintenance friends. hahaha. They helped me to be more open to others, to adventures and to opportunities. How those biglaan moments with them turn to be one of the memorable moments in my life. I love them, and my life won’t be complete with out them.

PAIN

My 21st journey was not always good, but I experienced the pain I never had before, the Heartbreak. But, I am also thankful for that, because I am still alive. for a second, I thought pain could kill me. But here am I, happy and contented of what lady I became after that pain, a stronger and more matured one, so, I owe you one, God! Thank you for this life lesson!

BRAVERY

Bravery! I also never imagine how brave my soul is! I remember when I jumped in the waterfalls in Cebu without knowing how to swim, I am so proud of my self! And thank you God for giving me the gift of bravery!

LOVE

Love!!! Thankful of the capacity of my heart to cherish love and not anger. Yes, Love conquers all, and I am deeply rooted in love with God.

RACKETS

(I don’t know if the spelling is right. haha) But I thank God for the sideline works, Ienjoy all of the events and planning I’ve done this year! And planning to go more, from debuts to weddings! Horay for dreams and sidelines!!

KIDS

Don’t misunderstood, I don’t have kids of my own yet, but, just today, I heard a kid counting 1-20, and I remember, yes, Kids brought purpose in my life, they are the cutest human being, the way how they discover things, how they speak and how their chubby cheeks feels when I’m touching it, *It’s so fluffy, I wanna dieeee*

CAMERA

Cameras! Yes! Life is boring with out a camera. I love how camera teaches me to capture beautiful moments and creations of God. I love how this little thing can change my perspective in life.

NOTEBOOKS

Notebooks! They have been my best friend this year, they knew all of my funky things in life, goals and even my feels. Ooops, I also knew what am I praying for, always. They witnessed my life, my prayer life of course. And I love them together with …

BIBLE

Thank you for being there when I needed some advise in life. It is you who I always hold on to, Your words bring clarity and wisdom to me, in every decision I made this year, you were with me. I love you every morning! ❤

COMPUTER

I included computer because I can write this blog through a computer. haha. 21st year and I spent it all day with my computer in office. So I guess, this is one thing I should also be thankful for.

ADOBE PREMIERE

Yes, yes yes!!! Thank you for this software because I was able to edit videos again. haha. Eery time I try to edit videos, the feels, the music, the excitement, I love how all of it combines, and even if I end up sleeping late, its all worth it. And I am looking forward for more videos this 22nd journey!!!

 

Surely I missed out some of the things. haha. As I end up this blog, I realize what kind of girl I am. I was refreshed of the people I love and the things I enjoy doing!

22nd journey, I am very much ready for you!!! Here’s for journeying with God to wherever path He is leading me!!

Thank you, Lord, I know you are now whispering me a very “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ARA! I LOVE YOU” up there!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Beauty of Pain

When life is so good to you, beware of what will happen next.

 

I saw this warning on social media, and I knew for sure, it is true. But in my case, I always challenge life of what it can throw to me. When my life is so good, I’m not waiting for what will happen next, instead, I ask God to throw challenges in my life for me to be stronger. So I did, I asked Him, and He threw the biggest challenge and pain I ever experienced. *I still thank You, G! Though it still hurts!*

 

For the past month, when people see me, I always receive the “You look thin, Ara” or “What happened to you?” or “You look sad and depressed, why?”. From those moments, I finally accepted, I am in pain, I am hurt, I am depressed, I am becoming less and less of the woman I wanted to be.

That started when I asked God, Lord, I am very happy, everything is in the right place, but I wanted to be stronger, can you send me the pain which I can’t handle?”. Then my boyfriend and I broke up.

I can never express in words how painful it was, to finally broke up with your love, with the one you used to pray, the answered prayer in your life, the one God lead me to, my human diary, and to the one who I saw my future with. I felt like my whole being as a woman collapsed. I never imagine that I can cry every morning, every evening, and cry myself to sleep for three weeks. Within that three weeks, there was never a day I didn’t cry, I didn’t question God of

Why did you let him in my life if you are going to take him away from me?”

Why did you lead me to him if he’s not the one?

You knew I am reserved, you knew how much prayer I say to You, when he started courting me, You witness how eager am I to discern, to pray and you told me that “Yes, my daughter, he claimed you to me, and be brave to fall in love.” and I did, but why is this happening?”

Days, nights, and working days when I stopped working and think about us, tears started falling, those days has passed, and nothing I felt but sadness, loneliness. For the first time I felt I am alone, I am tired, I don;t want to live in this cruel world of pain anymore.

A week after the we broke up, I tried diverting my attention in travelling, but during my travel, once I stopped a moment, all I can think was him, him alone and the pain goes back. But I keep on cheering up myself that I can be happy again, so I tried my very best to be happy in my travel trip. I thought I was over him, but no. The moment I got home, I started to cry again in my sleep.

The second week after we broke up, I didn’t eat my dinner for a week, I have no appetite to eat my breakfast, I just need to eat my lunch so I can still live. I tried hanging out with friends, but all I can hear from them is “You look very sad. Did you cry?

The third week, I keep on asking myself, “Where did I go wrong?

The feeling of emptiness is not a joke, I cried, I tried to ask for help in my friends but I also felt I am building a barrier from them. I wanted someone to be there for me, but I also wanted to be all myself. I wanted to conquer this pain, with God.

 

The most painful truth is, we still love each other. But it is against all odds. I think, we did not fall out of love, but we fall out of commitment. Why, Am I not the kind of woman a man should commit with?

Sometime during my work, a question pops up in my head,

Am I ugly? If I am a pretty lady, will he stay? Will he still commit?

Am I too demanding? If I was a low maintenance girlfriend, will he stay? Will he commit?

Am I not lovable already?

Am I not the charming one who I used to be?

Did I stressed myself too much that I didn’t have the glowing face anymore?

Is this why he can’t commit to me anymore?

AM I NOT WORTHY?

AM I NOT THE IDEAL WOMAN?

AM I NOT ENOUGH?

 

BUT WHY??

 

God,

What is the lesson you wanted me to learn? I have given you all, all of my prayers just for me to have the right decision, you answered me with very clear messages, but why is the outcome is not like what you have answered me?

God, I prayed for a heart that never stops in loving people, but here am I now, tired of loving, but never wanted to stop in loving. I still feel like my heart is fueled with love and I can still give more love to one who broke it. But no, I don’t want to love him anymore, not with these broken pieces of my heart. He is too good for me to love him with broken pieces, so heal me God.

That man, I still wanted to pray for him, he is a beautiful man, a respectful man, and I knew him for years, he won’t do anything that would intentionally hurt me. I knew it wasn’t his intention. I knew how much he loved me back then. I can’t get angry with him, and when he comes back, I still wanted him in my life.

But God, help me. Help me to conquer this pain, mend my broken soul and heart. Make me able to love again and again, with a whole heart.

Those WHYs and WHAT IFs, I knew you wanted me to learn something from this pain.

Maybe, you put him in my life to be a blessing, and you took him away to be a lesson.

But whatever that lesson is, I thank you for a lesson with such a beautiful experience.

We laughed, we loved, we prayed, we fought, we eat, we walk, we giggle, we did a lot of things together, and that is something I would cherish, forever. This is the beauty of pain I learned. In this pain, we learn to accept and cherish good memories.

 

Thank you, for such a wonderful experience.

If my heart is capable of loving this much despite of pain, I am excited of how much I can love the right person for me. But for now, help me prepare myself to be a better woman/daughter of You.

How selfless can we be?

I am a woman with dreams, hmm. No, let me rephrase it with: I am a woman with many dreams!

All of us dreamt of finishing college, going to the city, save money, live independent, marry the one you love, have a family, be happy and have a simple life. And all of us knows the reality that IT IS NOT THAT EASY AS WE THOUGHT.

When I finished college, I was like, “Finally! I can have my own life! Yes! Thank you Lord! I can move out to the city, I can buy and do whatever I want, I can go wherever I want, I want to travel more often!” But the reality hits me.

I applied for jobs, been rejected, been hired, but at the end, when I was about to move to BGC, I knew, my family needs me. I can’t move out.

So I decided to go back to Cavite, salary was fine. I can provide myself anything I need and want. For my first salary, I was able to buy my camera. I was able to have my savings fund, while still eating everywhere I want.

Until one tragic moment when I received the news that our business is about to close. Down. And my parents didn’t have any savings at all.

Obligations, responsibilities, here they are now. Welcoming me with a warm embrace when my mother said, “Ara, ikaw nang bahala sa kapatid mo. Ikaw na magpaaral”

I am happy, yes. One of my dream is to help my brother in his studies until he graduate. But this dream, I really didn’t thought that it will be this hard.

I never really imagined that I can be this selfless for my family. One of my goal is to take my masteral degree, can you realize how hurt am I when I was about to enroll, but then my brother needs money for his thesis, and I can’t say no. I gave it to him. On the second semester, again, I tried to enroll on my masteral degree. But my mother was sick, I told her to go to the doctor and have a check up, she answered me with “Next time na, kapag may pera na ako”, so there it is again. I gave her money, and didn’t continue my  masteral enrollment again. I get it, I can’t continue my masteral degree while I am obliged for my brother. SO all I am asking is to open an account, another savings account for me. Yesterday, I scheduled myself to go to the bank the next day, but then, my little brother asked if I had money because it is his defense already, and he needs to pay for the panelists. So instead of opening my account, I gave him the money.

 

FOr those who now me, YES, I may not be the one who has financial problem in your eyes, but deep inside, I have.

But here goes the blessing, how come I was able to provide my brother education, provide my mother’s need and still go to conferences, still travel?

I, too, can’t believe it. I don’t know how it happened, but one thing is for sure, IT IS THE LORD!

There are times when I cry out to the Lord, questioning Him, He just let me receive the blessings to share it to others. Can’t I have a blessing of my own? Something I can freely receive, and not obliged to give it to others.

To you who read this with no obligation than yourself, be grateful! Plan for your future. You can have all you wanted in life. Never waste it.

 

To you who has obligations to others, I salute you! These obligations can determine how selfless can we be. We can now understand the Filipino sayings : Isusubo mo na lang, ibibigay mo pa sa iba.

But makes me wonder, if I can be this selfless for my family, what more when I am given with my own family?

As I reflect, I remember praying to the Lord for a selfless heart, so I can go on thru my service, but the Lord made me selfless my serving my family.

I am not here to rant how much I am spending for them, nor to say that I quit with these obligations, I am here to honor all of those selfless heart out there, loving and taking the obligations bravely enough. I honor you!

Dealing with Pain

November 25, 2015

Dear Scoliosis,

I noticed you when I was still in high school, but I didn’t want to get to know you more. So I just left you behind. But I didn’t know you’ll become the monster that you are now. You ruined my life. You took away all of my comforts, my dream, and my satisfactions.

In a person’s life, the age of 20 is the discovering age. You are dreaming of what you wanted to be and the beginning of putting your life in the line you wanted.

It was August when I turned 20. I just resigned from my first job because that is not what I wanted. At September, I was hired on my dream job. To travel while helping the kids all over the Philippines. But at late September, there you go, comes my way and ruined everything. So at November, I had to resign and focus on keeping you away from me.

You planted too much pain in me that I couldn’t sleep at night anymore. But the most painful part is that you are able to keep me away from the things I really wanted to do.

You kept me away from travelling. Now, even a three-hour long drive, I can’t handle anymore. Why did you came from the first place? You let me live the life I wanted for months. You let me experienced travelling in Visayas for almost a month. YOu let me see and feel the joy of discovering new things. But then you also let me ruin my life.

It’s been 4 months since I started focusing on you. But no, there’s no improvement. I wanted to quit on you and start living my life again, but I am afraid of what more monster you could be. I guarded myself with an armor just to keep you away from me, but seems it is just useless.

I wanted to travel. I wanted to work. Okay, I’ll now accept office works, but here you are, you just don’t allow me to sit the whole day.

Most worrying part was, I wanted to have my own family. I also have the dream of carrying a fetus in my womb. But how? All these worries are bothering me, all because of you.

 

I hate you. I really do. But what can I do now? 4 months has passed, and I think I am really away from my dreams. 😦

But no, I won’t give up. 5 years from now, I will read this post again, and surely, I am what I wanted to be. You are never and will never be a hindrance for my success.

 

Love,

Saira

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December 6, 2016

Dear Pain,

Hi there!

Today, I read my message in the drafts of my wordpress account, and chose to write once again about the pain of Scoliosis.

A year ago, I asked myself “How will I able to achieve my dreams?”.

Good thing, I am currently in the process of achieving it!

After 6 months of wearing my back brace, having my self-pity, crying almost everyday in the bathroom, I did one brave action in my life.

It is to believe in myself, that I will because I can.

How am I now?

I am now currently employed in an office with 20 minutes travel time away from home. And I am happy with it.

I can now help my parents financially.

I can now serve the Lord with my full capacity.

I can now go where ever I wanted.

How?

Because I believe I am healed.

For you who are judging me that I don’t care about myself, about the people worried about me, NO. I CARE. I actually do exercise every morning. I may stop my treatment, but not my prayers. I believe that my faith can heal me.

There are still painful nights, when at the middle of the night, I need to boil water for my hot packs, I need to operate my tens doctron, I need to cry because of pain. Yet, I lift myself thru prayers. I can fall asleep thru prayers.

There are still unbearable aches during travels, I still need stop overs, I can’t go on long walks and run. Yet, I can still travel to Mindoro, twice this year, I am booked to Cebu for next year. All because there are my friends to care about me, to assist me, to always ask if I am okay.

There are still no improvement. But I believe in miracles.

Pain, you made my life at worst, but thank you. If it wasn’t because of you, I am not where I am now. And I am proud of myself.

Pain, you are part of my life now. Yes, but I won’t hate you, ever. Because you made me stronger, physically and spiritually.

Pain, there are times when you don’t want to leave me, that is how much you love me, and thank you for that love.

 

But Pain, no matter how you made me stronger, no matter how much you love me, I still wanted you OFF my life.

I am with MIRACLE and FAITH.

You can leave us alone.

Thank you.

Saira

 

 

 

 

I believed I could, so I did.

Today was just a normal day, but it’s FRIDAAAAAY, and PAYDAAAAAAY.

Waking up in the morning with a headache was one of the worst thing I could ever feel, but what’s worse? It’s waking up with bills in front of you. I woke up with my mom saying, “Bigay mo yung phone bill natin sa ate mo.” And there, now I feel the adulthood stage.

I am 20, but I can’t imagine my life with this one. When I was 14, I wanted to be 20, so I can have a boyfriend with the consent of my parents because I am at the right, I can travel whereever and whenever I wanted to, I can go on roadtrips overnights, I can do whatever I wanted, but now that I am 20, its total different.

Yes, I do have a boyfriend, but because I am 20, we’re both busy living our lives.

Yes, I can travel where ever and whenever I want, but I have to accept the consequence of being terminated with my job because of absences, and I have to accept the guilt of not helpingy parents with our bills.

Yes, I can have the roadtrips I wanted, but i have to suffer on the next day on work being so sleepy.

When we wanted something, it all has the consequence. And I think, this what it takes to be an adult.

While I was on my way to work, I saw a high school student from Bethel Academy and, OH MY, I MISS BEING A STUDENT!!

When I was a student, I have my weekly allowance where I could just buy anything i wanted.

When I was a student, I can just skip classes in order to sleep, or when i am sick.

When I was a student, I can handle my time.

All long, I feel young enough to handle adulthood, but old enough to stay in teenager life.

Sometimes, I question my life, is this the life I wanted? Go to work every Mondays to Saturdays, Pay the bills, Worry for tomorrow, but then, I realized something.

Despite of my complaints, I feel blessed.

Blessed to have the strength for everyday work.
Blessed to have this work.
Blessed with the opportunity to support myself.
Blessed with the places I’ve been through.
Blessed to go on roadtrips and still has the strength for the next day.
Blessed to have a supportive boyfriend who is also busy with his career.
Blessed to have the ever loving family.

Alog my way to work, I stare in the kirror, what I saw was a matured woman. And I thank the Lord for this.

From this very moment, I realized that everything is a blessing, everything was put in my life to make me ready, to train me, to prune me. And I thank God for His ways.

When I thought, I have nothing as an achievement, I realized I have everything.

I believed I could so I did.

To believe means not just believing in yourself, but also believing in our God.

To more achievements to come.

For my work, more and more strength for everyday, and opportunities to grab on.

For my lovelife, more patience for us my dear. Someday we’ll reach our dreams.

For my health, yes, I wish someday I could also say, I believed I could have a fit body, so I did. (claiming for gym moments)

For my service, more callings and seeking the Lord.

I will never stop with believing

, so I could always say,

I believed I could, so I did.”

Love has to be Mutual.

Lately, I’ve been wondering, what if one day, I woke up with the sunrays kissing my face, and not feeling anything at all? What if one day, I can’t feel love anymore? What if one day, I am not inlove anymore? What if one day, I don’t love him anymore?

The worst feeling I’ve experience is the feeling of not loved and not loving anymore. It feels like I am empty inside and out. I am just living for a living. I am just doing things because I need so, not because of doing so out of love. I am afraid of that feeling would come back and I could feel the emptiness once again. An empty heart leads me to an empty life; that no matter how people exerted effort just to make me feel loved, I still feel unloved.

These past few days, I felt like I am an empty glass who needs to be filled with wine serving as the grace of the Lord. I was lost, once again. And I am tired of feeling this way. With my life style of dating every other day, empowering others to love and ensuring others that they are loved, I think I need myself right now. I need to do those things for myself, I need myself to remember how to love again, how to feel loved and how to bring me back to track, to the addiction of loving.

There comes a point when I ask myself, “You were always asking somebody to love and love you, but who are you going to love?”

I don’t know. I tried asking for dates for people; I tried asking for time for people; I tried begging for ones-to-ones; unknowingly there is the One who always wait for me to come back.

I was finding love in the wrong place.

I forgot, I am in a relationship.
I forgot and I was lost out of fear of not being loved.

How can I not be loved if there is the One who sacrificed His life for me?”

Love must be mutual.
As much love as God has for us, He wants us to love Him with all our heart, mind, soul and strength. Our relationship with Him cannot stand on His love alone. We have to love Him in return. This is why He poured His love into our hearts by His Spirit so we can love Him and others like He loves us.

“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5:5

We were so eager to find love in others, we were so afraid that we are not able to love, but it took courage to love, and knowledge to know that God has imparted love in our hearts through the Holy Spirit.

We feel lost because we are in a wrong way.
Our minds are being invaded with the wrong thoughts.
We tend to look love, not realizing we are in a one sided love. And all we have to do is to return the love we received to the one who never fails.
By His unfailing love, undeserved grace and unending favor to us, may we feel that the only love we have to feel in order to know that we are complete is the God’s love.

Love has to be mutual.
If God loved us so, then we have to love Him back.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear…” 1 John 4:18

Our love must be greater than our fears. So many of us live with fear of being hurt or fear of hurting, so we avoid close and intimate relationships with anyone. But what if Jesus feared being hurt, disappointed or used? What if He feared hurting His disciples? If He operated in fear, we would not have such a great example to model.

Some of us have given up on experiencing unconditional love in a human being. We know Jesus loves us and will never leave us, but many can’t say that about people. Even if we’ve never experienced unconditional love from a human being, don’t let that stop us from being what we desire to see. Make a choice to receive God’s perspective on relationships. Choose to have an impact on those God has placed in your life. 

Today, my only prayer for the Lord if to help me on being faithful to His love, to remind me of His love, to never question His love and to act and feel like I was loved by the most amazing Man. I praise and thank the Lord for giving me the grace of love.