How selfless can we be?

I am a woman with dreams, hmm. No, let me rephrase it with: I am a woman with many dreams!

All of us dreamtย of finishing college, going to the city, save money, live independent, marry the one you love, have a family, be happy and have a simple life. And all of us knows the reality that IT IS NOT THAT EASY AS WE THOUGHT.

When I finished college, I was like, “Finally! I can have my own life! Yes! Thank you Lord! I can move out to the city, I can buy and do whatever I want, I can go wherever I want, I want to travel more often!” But the reality hits me.

I applied for jobs, been rejected, been hired, but at the end, when I was about to move to BGC, I knew, my family needs me. I can’t move out.

So I decided to go back to Cavite, salary was fine. I can provide myself anything I need and want. For my first salary, I was able to buy my camera. I was able to have my savings fund, while still eating everywhere I want.

Until one tragic moment when I received the news that our business is about to close. Down. And my parents didn’t have any savings at all.

Obligations, responsibilities, here they are now. Welcoming me with a warm embrace when my mother said, “Ara, ikaw nang bahala sa kapatid mo. Ikaw na magpaaral”

I am happy, yes. One of my dream is to help my brother in his studies until he graduate. But this dream, I really didn’t thought that it will be this hard.

I never really imagined that I can be this selfless for my family. One of my goal is to take my masteral degree, can you realize how hurt am I when I was about to enroll, but then my brother needs money for his thesis, and I can’t say no. I gave it to him. On the second semester, again, I tried to enroll on my masteral degree. But my mother was sick, I told her to go to the doctor and have a check up, she answered me with “Next time na, kapag may pera na ako”, so there it is again. I gave her money, and didn’t continue my ย masteral enrollment again. I get it, I can’t continue my masteral degree while I am obliged for my brother. SO all I am asking is to open an account, another savings account for me. Yesterday, I scheduled myself to go to the bank the next day, but then, my little brother asked if I had money because it is his defense already, and he needs to pay for the panelists. So instead of opening my account, I gave him the money.

 

FOr those who now me, YES, I may not be the one who has financial problem in your eyes, but deep inside, I have.

But here goes the blessing, how come I was able to provide my brother education, provide my mother’s need and still go to conferences, still travel?

I, too, can’t believe it. I don’t know how it happened, but one thing is for sure, IT IS THE LORD!

There are times when I cry out to the Lord, questioning Him, He just let me receive the blessings to share it to others. Can’t I have a blessing of my own? Something I can freely receive, and not obliged to give it to others.

To you who read this with no obligation than yourself, be grateful! Plan for your future. You can have all you wanted in life. Never waste it.

 

To you who has obligations to others, I salute you! These obligations can determine how selfless can we be. We can now understand the Filipino sayings : Isusubo mo na lang, ibibigay mo pa sa iba.

But makes me wonder, if I can be this selfless for my family, what more when I am given with my own family?

As I reflect, I remember praying to the Lord for a selfless heart, so I can go on thru my service, but the Lord made me selfless my serving my family.

I am not here to rant how much I am spending for them, nor to say that I quit with these obligations, I am here to honor all of those selfless heart out there, loving and taking the obligations bravely enough. I honor you!

Dealing with Pain

November 25, 2015

Dear Scoliosis,

I noticed you when I was still in high school, but I didn’t want to get to know you more. So I just left you behind. But I didn’t know you’ll become the monster that you are now. You ruined my life. You took away all of my comforts, my dream, and my satisfactions.

In a person’s life, the age of 20 is the discovering age. You are dreaming of what you wanted to be and the beginning of putting your life in the line you wanted.

It was August when I turned 20. I just resigned from my first job because that is not what I wanted. At September, I was hired on my dream job. To travel while helping the kids all over the Philippines. But at late September, there you go, comes my way and ruined everything. So at November, I had to resign and focus on keeping you away from me.

You planted too much pain in me that I couldn’t sleep at night anymore. But the most painful part is that you are able to keep me away from the things I really wanted to do.

You kept me away from travelling. Now, even a three-hour long drive, I can’t handle anymore. Why did you came from the first place? You let me live the life I wanted for months. You let me experienced travelling in Visayas for almost a month. YOu let me see and feel the joy of discovering new things. But then you also let me ruin my life.

It’s been 4 months since I started focusing on you. But no, there’s no improvement. I wanted to quit on you and start living my life again, but I am afraid of what more monster you could be. I guarded myself with an armor just to keep you away from me, but seems it is just useless.

I wanted to travel. I wanted to work. Okay, I’ll now accept office works, but here you are, you just don’t allow me to sit the whole day.

Most worrying part was, I wanted to have my own family. I also have the dream of carrying a fetus in my womb. But how? All these worries are bothering me, all because of you.

 

I hate you. I really do. But what can I do now? 4 months has passed, and I think I am really away from my dreams. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

But no, I won’t give up. 5 years from now, I will read this post again, and surely, I am what I wanted to be. You are never and will never be a hindrance for my success.

 

Love,

Saira

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December 6, 2016

Dear Pain,

Hi there!

Today, I read my message in the drafts of my wordpress account, and chose to write once again about the pain of Scoliosis.

A year ago, I asked myself “How will I able to achieve my dreams?”.

Good thing, I am currently in the process of achieving it!

After 6 months of wearing my back brace, having my self-pity, crying almost everyday in the bathroom, I did one brave action in my life.

It is to believe in myself, that I will because I can.

How am I now?

I am now currently employed in an office with 20 minutes travel time away from home. And I am happy with it.

I can now help my parents financially.

I can now serve the Lord with my full capacity.

I can now go where ever I wanted.

How?

Because I believe I am healed.

For you who are judging me that I don’t care about myself, about the people worried about me, NO. I CARE. I actually do exercise every morning. I may stop my treatment, but not my prayers. I believe that my faith can heal me.

There are still painful nights, when at the middle of the night, I need to boil water for my hot packs, I need to operate my tens doctron, I need to cry because of pain. Yet, I lift myself thru prayers. I can fall asleep thru prayers.

There are still unbearable aches during travels, I still need stop overs, I can’t go on long walks and run. Yet, I can still travel to Mindoro, twice this year, I am booked to Cebu for next year. All because there are my friends to care about me, to assist me, to always ask if I am okay.

There are still no improvement. But I believe in miracles.

Pain, you made my life at worst, but thank you. If it wasn’t because of you, I am not where I am now. And I am proud of myself.

Pain, you are part of my life now. Yes, but I won’t hate you, ever. Because you made me stronger, physically and spiritually.

Pain, there are times when you don’t want to leave me, that is how much you love me, and thank you for that love.

 

But Pain, no matter how you made me stronger, no matter how much you love me, I still wanted you OFF my life.

I am with MIRACLE and FAITH.

You can leave us alone.

Thank you.

Saira

 

 

 

 

I believed I could, so I did.

Today was just a normal day, but it’s FRIDAAAAAY, and PAYDAAAAAAY.

Waking up in the morning with a headache was one of the worst thing I could ever feel, but what’s worse? It’s waking up with bills in front of you. I woke up with my mom saying, “Bigay mo yung phone bill natin sa ate mo.” And there, now I feel the adulthood stage.

I am 20, but I can’t imagine my life with this one. When I was 14, I wanted to be 20, so I can have a boyfriend with the consent of my parents because I am at the right, I can travel whereever and whenever I wanted to, I can go on roadtrips overnights, I can do whatever I wanted, but now that I am 20, its total different.

Yes, I do have a boyfriend, but because I am 20, we’re both busy living our lives.

Yes, I can travel where ever and whenever I want, but I have to accept the consequence of being terminated with my job because of absences, and I have to accept the guilt of not helpingy parents with our bills.

Yes, I can have the roadtrips I wanted, but i have to suffer on the next day on work being so sleepy.

When we wanted something, it all has the consequence. And I think, this what it takes to be an adult.

While I was on my way to work, I saw a high school student from Bethel Academy and, OH MY, I MISS BEING A STUDENT!!

When I was a student, I have my weekly allowance where I could just buy anything i wanted.

When I was a student, I can just skip classes in order to sleep, or when i am sick.

When I was a student, I can handle my time.

All long, I feel young enough to handle adulthood, but old enough to stay in teenager life.

Sometimes, I question my life, is this the life I wanted? Go to work every Mondays to Saturdays, Pay the bills, Worry for tomorrow, but then, I realized something.

Despite of my complaints, I feel blessed.

Blessed to have the strength for everyday work.
Blessed to have this work.
Blessed with the opportunity to support myself.
Blessed with the places I’ve been through.
Blessed to go on roadtrips and still has the strength for the next day.
Blessed to have a supportive boyfriend who is also busy with his career.
Blessed to have the ever loving family.

Alog my way to work, I stare in the kirror, what I saw was a matured woman. And I thank the Lord for this.

From this very moment, I realized that everything is a blessing, everything was put in my life to make me ready, to train me, to prune me. And I thank God for His ways.

When I thought, I have nothing as an achievement, I realized I have everything.

I believed I could so I did.

To believe means not just believing in yourself, but also believing in our God.

To more achievements to come.

For my work, more and more strength for everyday, and opportunities to grab on.

For my lovelife, more patience for us my dear. Someday we’ll reach our dreams.

For my health, yes, I wish someday I could also say, I believed I could have a fit body, so I did. (claiming for gym moments)

For my service, more callings and seeking the Lord.

I will never stop with believing

, so I could always say,

I believed I could, so I did.”

Love has to be Mutual.

Lately, I’ve been wondering, what if one day, I woke up with the sunrays kissing my face, and not feeling anything at all? What if one day, I can’t feel love anymore? What if one day, I am not inlove anymore? What if one day, I don’t love him anymore?

The worst feeling I’ve experience is the feeling of not loved and not loving anymore. It feels like I am empty inside and out. I am just living for a living. I am just doing things because I need so, not because of doing so out of love. I am afraid of that feeling would come back and I could feel the emptiness once again. An empty heart leads me to an empty life; that no matter how people exerted effort just to make me feel loved, I still feel unloved.

These past few days, I felt like I am an empty glass who needs to be filled with wine serving as the grace of the Lord. I was lost, once again. And I am tired of feeling this way. With my life style of dating every other day, empowering others to love and ensuring others that they are loved, I think I need myself right now. I need to do those things for myself, I need myself to remember how to love again, how to feel loved and how to bring me back to track, to the addiction of loving.

There comes a point when I ask myself, “You were always asking somebody to love and love you, but who are you going to love?”

I don’t know. I tried asking for dates for people; I tried asking for time for people; I tried begging for ones-to-ones; unknowingly there is the One who always wait for me to come back.

I was finding love in the wrong place.

I forgot, I am in a relationship.
I forgot and I was lost out of fear of not being loved.

How can I not be loved if there is the One who sacrificed His life for me?”

Love must be mutual.
As much love as God has for us, He wants us to love Him with all our heart, mind, soul and strength. Our relationship with Him cannot stand on His love alone. We have to love Him in return. This is why He poured His love into our hearts by His Spirit so we can love Him and others like He loves us.

โ€œAnd hope does not put us to shame, because Godโ€™s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.โ€ Romans 5:5

We were so eager to find love in others, we were so afraid that we are not able to love, but it took courage to love, and knowledge to know that God has imparted love in our hearts through the Holy Spirit.

We feel lost because we are in a wrong way.
Our minds are being invaded with the wrong thoughts.
We tend to look love, not realizing we are in a one sided love. And all we have to do is to return the love we received to the one who never fails.
By His unfailing love, undeserved grace and unending favor to us, may we feel that the only love we have to feel in order to know that we are complete is the God’s love.

Love has to be mutual.
If God loved us so, then we have to love Him back.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fearโ€ฆโ€ 1 John 4:18

Our love must be greater than our fears. So many of us live with fear of being hurt or fear of hurting, so we avoid close and intimate relationships with anyone. But what if Jesus feared being hurt, disappointed or used? What if He feared hurting His disciples? If He operated in fear, we would not have such a great example to model.

Some of us have given up on experiencing unconditional love in a human being. We know Jesus loves us and will never leave us, but many canโ€™t say that about people. Even if we’ve never experienced unconditional love from a human being, donโ€™t let that stop us from being what we desire to see. Make a choice to receive Godโ€™s perspective on relationships. Choose to have an impact on those God has placed in your life.ย 

Today, my only prayer for the Lord if to help me on being faithful to His love, to remind me of His love, to never question His love and to act and feel like I was loved by the most amazing Man. I praise and thank the Lord for giving me the grace of love.