Dealing with Pain

November 25, 2015

Dear Scoliosis,

I noticed you when I was still in high school, but I didn’t want to get to know you more. So I just left you behind. But I didn’t know you’ll become the monster that you are now. You ruined my life. You took away all of my comforts, my dream, and my satisfactions.

In a person’s life, the age of 20 is the discovering age. You are dreaming of what you wanted to be and the beginning of putting your life in the line you wanted.

It was August when I turned 20. I just resigned from my first job because that is not what I wanted. At September, I was hired on my dream job. To travel while helping the kids all over the Philippines. But at late September, there you go, comes my way and ruined everything. So at November, I had to resign and focus on keeping you away from me.

You planted too much pain in me that I couldn’t sleep at night anymore. But the most painful part is that you are able to keep me away from the things I really wanted to do.

You kept me away from travelling. Now, even a three-hour long drive, I can’t handle anymore. Why did you came from the first place? You let me live the life I wanted for months. You let me experienced travelling in Visayas for almost a month. YOu let me see and feel the joy of discovering new things. But then you also let me ruin my life.

It’s been 4 months since I started focusing on you. But no, there’s no improvement. I wanted to quit on you and start living my life again, but I am afraid of what more monster you could be. I guarded myself with an armor just to keep you away from me, but seems it is just useless.

I wanted to travel. I wanted to work. Okay, I’ll now accept office works, but here you are, you just don’t allow me to sit the whole day.

Most worrying part was, I wanted to have my own family. I also have the dream of carrying a fetus in my womb. But how? All these worries are bothering me, all because of you.

 

I hate you. I really do. But what can I do now? 4 months has passed, and I think I am really away from my dreams. 😦

But no, I won’t give up. 5 years from now, I will read this post again, and surely, I am what I wanted to be. You are never and will never be a hindrance for my success.

 

Love,

Saira

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December 6, 2016

Dear Pain,

Hi there!

Today, I read my message in the drafts of my wordpress account, and chose to write once again about the pain of Scoliosis.

A year ago, I asked myself “How will I able to achieve my dreams?”.

Good thing, I am currently in the process of achieving it!

After 6 months of wearing my back brace, having my self-pity, crying almost everyday in the bathroom, I did one brave action in my life.

It is to believe in myself, that I will because I can.

How am I now?

I am now currently employed in an office with 20 minutes travel time away from home. And I am happy with it.

I can now help my parents financially.

I can now serve the Lord with my full capacity.

I can now go where ever I wanted.

How?

Because I believe I am healed.

For you who are judging me that I don’t care about myself, about the people worried about me, NO. I CARE. I actually do exercise every morning. I may stop my treatment, but not my prayers. I believe that my faith can heal me.

There are still painful nights, when at the middle of the night, I need to boil water for my hot packs, I need to operate my tens doctron, I need to cry because of pain. Yet, I lift myself thru prayers. I can fall asleep thru prayers.

There are still unbearable aches during travels, I still need stop overs, I can’t go on long walks and run. Yet, I can still travel to Mindoro, twice this year, I am booked to Cebu for next year. All because there are my friends to care about me, to assist me, to always ask if I am okay.

There are still no improvement. But I believe in miracles.

Pain, you made my life at worst, but thank you. If it wasn’t because of you, I am not where I am now. And I am proud of myself.

Pain, you are part of my life now. Yes, but I won’t hate you, ever. Because you made me stronger, physically and spiritually.

Pain, there are times when you don’t want to leave me, that is how much you love me, and thank you for that love.

 

But Pain, no matter how you made me stronger, no matter how much you love me, I still wanted you OFF my life.

I am with MIRACLE and FAITH.

You can leave us alone.

Thank you.

Saira

 

 

 

 

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